Reflecting Image
by TomParis7
Summary: "I fell to my knees. There was a pain in my chest that was almost unbearable. Images were flashing through my head; circling and making me feel almost sick. All I could see was her face. Pond, my Ponds, my wonderful Amy Pond blinking from existence." Post Angels Take Manhattan, the Doctor is depressed. A lot of angst. Some River/Doctor. Rated K for a cuss word.


_**I don't own any Doctor Who characters, wonderful though they ****are. :)****  
**_

_**Reflecting Image**_

I fell to my knees. There was a pain in my chest that was almost unbearable. Images were flashing through my head; circling and making me feel almost sick. All I could see was her face. Pond, my Ponds, my wonderful Amy Pond blinking from existence. The pain was mounting in my chest. I had to take steadying breaths though the tears that were pouring endlessly down my face. After what felt like hours, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and a soft voice in my ear.

"Come on sweetie." Came River's voice. She half walked, half dragged me back to the TARDIS. She kept her eyes on the Angel as we got inside. She then closed the doors and turned to me, from my position on the floor.

"Doctor." She said, kneeling down next to me. I looked up through my tear strained face to her, "River…" I gasped through the pain and tears, "I-I-"

"I know… hush now." River just sat there with me, cradling my head and stroking my hair. After what seemed like ages, my breathing had slowed and I began to hiccup the last of the tears. I sat up shakily and looked into River's deep brown eyes. They were soft and filled with her own kind of pain. I hadn't just lost my best friends, she also lost her parents.

"I'm so sorry." I said, through a cracked voice.

"For what?" River asked, looking slightly puzzled.

"For- for- loosing you parents."

Her eyes turned away and she wiped away a single tear that cascaded down her cheek, "Don't be. Now come on sweetie, lets get out of here."

That was the first time I noticed my surroundings. "Were back in the TARDIS… where do I go?" I asked River.

"Anywhere you like." She smiled warmly at me, one which I only barley returned.

"I-I- don't think I'd like to go anywhere at the moment." His eyes fell.

"Then you don't have to." River reassured me. She helped me up and we walked toward the center of the room. I sat in a chair as River manned the controls. The TARDIS whooshed and screeched away from New York and flew through space.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Taking my back to jail, where I have to go."

I stood up at that, my hearts leaping into my throat, "N-now? After everything's that happened?"

She didn't respond, but just kept looking at TARDIS's controls. She looked up as though she had a sudden thought, "Doctor."

I looked up as well.

"Don't travel alone."

I felt my chest lurch. "Travel with me then?"

"We both know that's not how it's supposed to go. We are on two different paths…"

I slumped back in my seat, feeling a lump gathering in my throat, "Why?" I more asked myself, "Why can't you just stay here?" I felt a sickening taste of hopelessness in my gut and mouth and heart. River walked toward me and knelt beside me.

"Oh believe me, I want to so badly. But that's not the order of things."

"When have I ever followed the order of things?" I cried out, feeling resentment boil in my chest now.

"Oh sweetie." She looked into my pale eyes, searching there for something. We heard the TARDIS screech to a halt. My chest dropped to my toes and River looked at me, she took my hand and led me outside. We were back in her prison corridor. He cell stood in front of us, looking ominous and foreboding. She grabbed the keys and opened her cell. She then turned and gave me a hug. It was the kind of hug that conveys so much more then words. The kind of hug at warms you and keeps you close, protecting you from harm. I breathed in her sent, trying to sooth my dammed hearts by her embrace. All to soon, it was over and she kissed me, a soft brush against my lips. A gentle kiss; and I kissed her back. She then said to me,

"Doctor. I am so sorry. But I know it will get better. Believe that, please. It will. And promise me this…"

"What?" I asked her.

"Please, don't travel alone. Whatever you do… wherever you go. Don't be alone. You are never meant to be alone."

All I could do was nod. I hated this. This moment, with this feeling in my chest. And most of all, I hated knowing that I was leaving my wife and I was alone. I turned to her one last time and she waved. I waved back and then walked into the TARDIS. I closed the doors with a slam and leaned against the doors to support my weak legs. Then I willed them to walk to the middle of room. Then I flipped the switch on the TARDIS and she was off once more. My TARDIS, and me out to explore the universe. Without really thinking, I set a location. Loosing the strength in my legs, I sunk down and laid my head back against the TARDIS.

"Well, it's just you and me again old girl." I whispered to her. My chest felt empty. I couldn't feel. It was as though someone had taken a knife and cut out my hearts, leaving a gaping and painful hole where they once were beating with life. The hole hurt and it seemed to engulf me in misery. I broke down once more, the tears coming thick and fast. There was a single thought running in my head.

_Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. _ It was like a virus, infecting me from the inside out. I pulled my knees up to my chest and took in shaky breaths. Once again, they had left me. My Ponds. Blinked out of existence. I had been too stupid. I had let them slip. I could have done more, but I let them slip. I sucked in a huge breath and closed my eyes, allowing my _dammed _mind to see what it wanted to see.

An image of Amy flashed through my mind, he bright read hair flowing behind the backdrop of twinkling stars, her long white night gown flowing like waves behind her. I remember our first trip together. I had held her by the ankles and she looked out into space. I smiled at the thought. The impossible Amy Pond, the girl who waited.

Then, another image crossed my mind. There stood a man, coated in roman armor, pulling on a helmet and saying to me.

"Tell me she won't be safer if I stayed."

Rory Pond. Rory the roman, who waited 2,000 years for the woman he loved. Who jumped off a building with her, just so he didn't have to die without ever seeing her again? I felt a wave of pain and envoy spike through me once more. I was unable to keep my mind from seeing other images flash though my head.

Rory's frail body lying on the hospital bed as Amy cried. And Amy. Her face stained with tears as she turned to me, her red hair flying in the cool wind. Amy's last words came floating back to me like an echo in my head.

_"Raggedy-man. Goodbye."_

But the images didn't stop there, because they kept accosting my brain.

A woman was crying, my hands were covered in her tears as I held her face. Donna Noble pleaded with me, "No, please. Don't do this." I buried my hands in my head.

Then I saw the retreating back of Martha Jones, walking away from me, from the life she had spent with me. Then, another image resurfaced, one that had kept its self at bay for a long time.

Rose Tyler, flying out of my grasp as she fell through the vortex. The blinding light consuming her as she screamed out my name. Rose Tyler, standing on a beach, with tears lingering on her eyelashes as I said my final goodbyes. Rose Tyler, kissing the man who wasn't quite me, with love in her eyes for his touch I couldn't ever give her.

My head was spinning and I had to stop because I could feel my chest exploding with pain. I wiped away the tears on my face and felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me. My eyelids closed slowly…

I don't know when I had fallen asleep, but when I woke up, it was on the cold hard floor of the TARDIS. My head had lulled to the side in my sleep and my neck was cramped. I felt the dull ache of loss return to my chest as I stood. I shook the sleep from my body and looked around. My TARDIS was still here, and right now, that's all that mattered. I walked up to her consol and stopped when I didn't hear her usual whizzing and screeching noise. I looked around, shaking my head like a dog with water, trying to clear it. I then pulled the screen toward me and looked at the readings. It read: Earth- London, 2005. My eyes narrowed. I didn't remember choosing this date. Then I shrugged, not feeling much like going anywhere else. I pulled open the TARDIS doors with a squeak. The sun was blinding and I shielded my eyes. I looked around myself and found I was in the heart of London, with cars and people moving about. I began to walk down the road, the hollow gap in my chest seemed to grow, as I looked at all the life that spun and changed around me. I felt so cut off and isolated from the bustlings of life all around.

Amy and Rory had brought back that spark. They had filled me to the brim with happiness that I hadn't felt in so long. Now that that spark was gone, I felt emptier then ever. As I walked along, I saw something that made my heart stop. In the middle of the busy road stood Rose Tyler, walking right next to…. I was sure I had gone crazy for this could not be possible… but there he was, or there I was… the 9th incarceration of _myself. _Rose and I, walking down the road all those years ago, sharing chips and laughing. I almost turned on my heal and ran but I held back.

There was something about that picture that kept my feet rooted to the spot. Rose was looking at me, or him, in a way that the 9th version of myself had never noticed. She was smiling. A truest and purest smile I had ever seen in my life. It was so beautiful that I couldn't help but smile back at them. Then I started crying, large tears that now felt like a routine fell down my face. So many thoughts were running through my dammed old head that it hurt. However, I found that I was so happy, and so sad, at the same time. I stood there for a long time, not noticing the people around me but just watching Rose and myself walk and crying silently. She had just laughed at a joke that I had made, and that set both of us off, laughing and clutching our stomachs for support. I smiled once more, feeling the tears still going. Amy had made me cry with happiness before and that made me so happy and sad. My emotions were ripping my hearts apart and I felt the tears keep coming, but made no effort to stop them. Finally, I wiped away a tear and then began to turn away.

"Excuse me?" Came a voice from behind me, a heart stopping voice that froze me to the core. I turned and saw Rose running up to me. Rose Tyler was running to me and she stopped in front of me, concern filling her eyes.

"What's wrong?" She asked, placing a hand on my shoulder. This made me cry a little harder.

"Oh, it's nothing." I said though a watery half smile.

"But it's not…" She said, "Do you need any help? Is there anything I can do?"

"You have done so much." I said before I could stop myself, "You needn't do any more."

She shot me a confused look, but kept patting my shoulder all the same. "Well, see that man over there?" She pointed to me, well the 9th me, standing in my black coat that I loved so much at the time, some 10 feet away. "His name is The Doctor, and he is great a helping people. And look." She looked at me right in the eye. "I know that things might look tough now, but they will get better. I promise"

I cried some more, but smiled a real smile this time, one that Rose returned.

"Thank you Rose Tyler." I said weekly and turned on my heal and walked back to my TARDIS.

"Amelia Pond." I was in her backyard, kneeling among the wet grass next to her sleeping form. I stroked her hair gently and then picked up the sleeping girl for the second time. As I walked her into her far to big house, I whispered to her.

"The impossible Amelia Pond… You are an amazing girl. You must remember that all of your life. And, if you will be patient, I will come back for you. I will one day become more then just an imaginary friend. I will become your best friend, and you will be mine." I set her down in bed and slid off her shoes gently. Then I pulled the covers up to her chin.

"You and me Amelia." I sighed, the dull ache in my chest lighted ever so slightly at the look of the sleeping girls face, "We will see the world together. You will _live_ Amelia. Beyond you're wildest of dreams… And you and me… We will see the universe."

A single tear fell down my face as I stood up, planting a kiss on the girls forehead, "Sleep well love." I whispered. Closing my eyes I breathed in slowly. Opening my eyes, I glanced back at the little girl sleeping on the bed and then pulled the door shut quietly. I then left the house and headed back to my TARDIS. I rested my hand on her old blue paint.

"Hey old girl…" I pressed my forehead against the hard wood of the door and pressed, closing my eyes.

"Thank you, for always taking me where I needed to go."


End file.
